i had this period when i was 17-18 where i was deeply obsessed with philosophical thought and believed that if i read enough of it i would discover some fundamental secret about reality that’d ‘fix’ me, or at least enable me to cope in some better way. but i think one of the biggest blackpills of most philosophy is that you need some level of socialisation, of real world experience, in order to understand the application of these concepts and to truly grasp it in any meaningful way. its honestly hard to explain exactly why—you just... do. i hit a wall, really fast. the beauty and the wisdom of the insights i was taking in by learning and reading so much were lost on me because i was enormously isolated from the outside world, and had no basis for understanding the words of people who weren’t

i cant say i've fixed the self-to-world disconnect but i’m much better at being open and understanding, and i 'get' a lot more of it now. but at almost 20 i still cant grasp majority of it. it feels like my life is still very disconnected and uneventful, disallowing me the means of application of these processes. even more real world grounded stuff feels like an essay about an alien species and their mating patterns, not even about humans; much less the greater abstract stuff like heidegger. tbh, i shouldn’t be, but i am somewhat bitter toward those who maintain a deep love for these sorts of philosophical/metaphysical concepts as they get older bc it represents someone who was able to, or continues to have an enriching enough life—to be able to find and apply the hooks; where which certain philosophies and ideologies were able to support and reform their journey