thoughts about my dad again

10 Apr, 2023

just watched the whale, i mean its not too bad it was going good but then the ending ruined it with the worst going to heaven cgi transition ever

though one line that i remember when the mom was talking to the guy abt his daughter; “i raised her, and you’re giving her the money. it’s the best we could do.” cause goddamn does that hit , i rlly resonated with that in a way

it references something that has been on my mind for a really long time, and it’s about the way that my dad shows his care or whatever it is to me. my dad EASILY gets to pull the “i give you everything” card…because i won’t deny, he did. but that’s mainly in part bc 1. i literally have never asked for anything growing up so the tiniest little things i did want he would give me 2. that’s literally all he did, ‘give,’ but his giving was extremely material, which is the point to this. his cop out for not spending time with me, being emotionally invested, being interested in my life, asking about me, or caring about me in any other way shape or form is that he would just buy me shit. or give me money. the line especially resonates cause of my home situation rn, my dad periodically sends me money and he said to just ask if i ever needed money for anything but doesn’t interact with me in any other capacity aside from that …ig that’s about the extent of his love.

and when he bought me shit in the past it wasnt even things i would like, it was just what he likes. i mean one of my love languages definitely is gifts, but thats bc i enjoy it when it’s personalised and i dont need to ask for it. it hones into the idea that someone cares about me enough to go out of the way to do something for me, and also to know what i like without me having to tell them. its such a simple but deeply personal thing when someone cares enough to know you like that. its def one of the reasons i secretly get upset when people ask me what i want for a gift or something cus like.. damn you really have no semblance of an idea about what my interests are? rip they don’t even need to be perfect either, it can even vaguely relate but the fact that u showed enough interest into small things ive said is really sweet

anyway im not going to say that he doesn’t mean it as an act of love, i’m sure he does, but it’s really just not fucking enough, and it never has been. when i was a kid i didn’t care about money. i really still don’t. back then i just wanted my dad to help me with my math homework or be interested in the drawings i showed him or literally just ask about me. or at the very least… talk to me in any other capacity than going on a long tangent about himself or something that only he liked. sure dad i’d be interested in hearing about cars and history and politics if you at least put the effort to ask what my opinion on it was

oh and in the times where i did say my opinion unprompted... y’know conversations are two-way, so you don’t need to act like i didn’t say anything and just keep ranting abt ur point 😍 i think that’s probably one of the reasons why i don’t bother saying my opinions or literally anything personal about me these days. almost every single time i do, it goes brushed over, unresponded to or ppl just keep saying their bit as if i literally didn't just say something… and even with the people i trusted they still fucking do it,, it’s literally every person i’ve ever met in my life so a lot of the times i just think what the fuck is the point of even talking or trying to have a conversation when the other person literally just does not care (or if they do they arent doing a very good job of showing it) a lot of the close connections ive had are/were with people like this… and i do admit it kinda sucks which shouldve been enough to cut them off or whatever but i just like them bc of who they objectively are as an individual, idk, alot of the ppl i maintain relationships with are people i idolise in some way

i dont mind speaking my mind to randoms bc i literally could not care less about them but i dont want to take the risk of feeling the gutpunch of having it happen when i’m talking to someone i actually care about in some capacity id say a lot of the time the people who do dont actually mean to do it, which is fair, but it always fucking happens

its never worth it