garden of eden

the schizoid difference

something not often talked about is the barrier that seemingly exists between the self and other people. that almost impermeable barrier, where you try to communicate and express yourself to some capacity - and fail. throughout the years, throughout your childhood, your teens, and most likely into your 20’s and so on. that boundary that had you forsake social interaction and communication of a variety of types. that barrier that makes life difficult on a consistent basis when it requires you to communicate with the external world, and with other people. that barrier looks and is shaped in different ways, but is continually something that you claw against. you resign yourself to failure over and over, only in your desperation to try once more, to have disappointment set in for the umpteenth time.

it might be with friends, or family members, where you attempt to explain what it is that you're experiencing, or perhaps your thoughts on certain matters, what it is that you value and prioritise, the things that concern you and the things that drive your sense of empathy and your sense of frustration, sadness, loneliness; a variety of normal human emotions that are fueled and shaped by what would be not considered 'normal' human motivators and rewards. but it is what it is - you try so hard to explain these things, only to fall on deaf ears.

they either look at you like you're making little to no sense, perhaps you're crazy. other times they look at you with pity, thinking ‘this person must be ill or doing something or another to themselves that's causing them too much stress’, so thus they become erratic or irrational in their beliefs or in their perceived experiences. but if you're any like me, you have a strong differentiation between what is internal and what’s external simply because you are reminded of it all the time, every day. when you wake up, when you go to sleep. when you interact, especially. you're reminded of that barrier. you're reminded of the reality of your situation, which is: they cannot hear me, and i cannot hear them. and funnily enough i’m trying to hear them and i’m trying to listen but no one’s trying to listen to me, so why should i keep trying? what purpose does that serve? what is this futile endeavour?

that is the feeling. that is the difficulty. and it goes on and on and on like this for months or years at a time until eventually you get to the point where you decide, no more. i am not going to communicate any longer with this world. it has nothing to offer me, nor does it want to compromise in any capacity with what i am perceiving and what i am living. it is constantly telling me that i am at odds with what is reality, when reality itself is already very apparent to me: and that is that i cannot join it, often times in the way you wish for me to join it. i cannot perceive it in the way you wish for me to perceive it. i cannot think of my existence in the way you think of yours.

family couldn’t understand, friends couldn't understand. so they send you to therapy (or you send yourself) - no one understood so finally this professional will, maybe. yet even in the comfort of a room that is supposed to be designed to understand you and listen to you, where you're able to express yourself freely so that perhaps somebody will finally comprehend what it is you're trying to say; that boundary exists.

this is what i see, this is what i experience - i can see your world, i just don’t understand why you place value on, or why you prioritise these things that i find to be strange, illogical, irrational, unreasonable. it is not some kind of randomised thinking, it's just like any one else with a well thought-out thought system—only, against a backdrop of a world that is telling you: no, that thinking is not the right thinking. that is harmful thinking. that is problematic thinking.

sure, maybe it’s sometimes negativistic thinking. but, other aspects of your thinking such as what makes you feel good, what makes you feel calm, the things you need to feel any kind of fulfilment, idiosyncratic as it’s often called or not, that is who you are. to be constantly told that those very things that you have attached your emotions to are the incorrect things to do that with, or are the incorrect emotions to have regarding that, well. that’s going to do some damage to a developing brain. that will cause harm to your ability to build a sense of self; as within your sense of self, as it’s building, you are being told to take it apart, to dismantle it, as it is being inappropriately built to someone else’s standards.

the world

now i can’t really blame them. when you grow up or you exist in a world where your cognitive experience or functions is alike those around you, reality checking things of that nature will become almost an echo chamber for the neurotypical person. because that is all that is available, and that is all they will come across. any divergences they will never really see or acknowledge. often times, not even intentionally or actively, ignore. that just seems to be an almost natural state: to not perceive those aberrant things or ever have a need to. so thus, you are left screaming into the void, into the nothing. there’s always this emptiness inside and outside.

that void that is often described is merely symbolic of both the vacuum of reality, and cognitive based assumptions amongst society, against people like myself. which leads to the thinking that we are fundamentally different or defective, that we are damaged things perhaps irreparable - when we are not. we are merely made of different materials and built for different purpose. that seems too difficult of a concept to grasp for most people. it is simple - all forms of idiosyncratic thinking are merely a result of multiple factors in one’s childhood, somehow creating these aberrant mindsets. however, this will never be made conventionally clear or understood in any capacity; it will never be -common- knowledge. there will always be a stigma. i feel this boundary will always exist, regardless of the amount of therapy, or effort, that is placed upon helping it. it will remain, despite the attempts of the psychological community, or amount of family or friends or partners that could try to help.

so... what is creating this boundary? is it the withdrawing of the self due to the level of neglect, or abuse, or isolation a person endures as a child? perhaps the naturally ‘odd’ or hyper rational thinking. maybe the priority of the abstract or the conceptual. is it the escape from what is ‘required’? are we merely avoiding those things because we do not wish to face the discomfort, or the lack of safety that comes with social interaction and the abundance of arbitrary rules that come with it? though, rules that most definitely make sense why they exist when your motivations and inclinations and ambition is set forward by specific types of rewards or influences.

when those things do not apply, when those things do not connect or are applicable - you should not question the person who they aren't applicable to about why they are wrong. the question that should be asked is: ‘what applies to you?’ ‘what do you need?’ ‘what do you see?’ ‘why do you feel you see it?’ that is what needs to be asked. not ‘what is wrong with you?,’ or what is incongruent with the acceptable parameters. it is a far different question that needs to be asked.


sorry for the schizo ramble. it may be poorly formatted, worded and maybe a bit incoherent because i'm not bothered to go over this again it's 4am