when i was young, when things didnt work out right for me, i had spent so long trying to understand the niceties of human interaction; attempting to find out what exactly it is that people want and get from each other. the only reason i ever searched for this answer in the first place is due to my almost inherent detachment from it. and so i learnt how people 'work' so to speak. why people act this way, what is expected of you, what is socially good, bad; what makes people have these emotions, these feelings, these reactions. as bold of a claim it is to say, i think i'm very able to comprehend the nuances of 'conventional' or typical social behaviour, desire and action, but i will never “get” it in a way where it feels natural to me. this is something that i tried to replicate, but my lunge toward conformity rid me of any authenticity that i had.

when i was not putting on some sort of facade of complacency, the people i used to mingle with were not so approving of who i really was. usually i was told i was too mean, or weird or insensitive, when i was just trying to be myself; and there was never any malicious intent. the thoughts then became either to conform or to diverge, yet any direction was alienating and i have never found a balance that had truly made me feel like i was able to be myself, or at the least, content. i had just branched out into solitude and simply accepted the discrepancy as a part of my innate ontology that i had to live with. it still appears so.

as egocentric as it might sound i never really believed i operated in the same way as other people around me. maybe it was the analytical approach, my basically anti-emotional framework, my 'self centeredness' — the trait to ignore irrelevancy and follow through with my sense of 'right' and my desire for efficiency to the detriment of everything else; prioritising it over social harmony. but i also feel a difference in the way that i percieve the world, and how much of it i'm able to take in and understand that is unbeknownst to the average person. not to say that i'm holistically superior of course, where i excel in one area i lack in others.

the world we live in functions on the basic understanding of how one feels and how the society around you will potentially feel in response to your actions, and we are required to instinctively tune in on that with little questioning, lest we be questioned (or berated) ourselves. my personal understanding is that unlike many who craved the familiarities of 'real life'—people, experiences, feelings, connections; i had found solace in my own world of intellectual pursuits.

the relationships i had been in growing up felt extremely devoid of this, and essentially stunted any connection i had tried to develop. i would take the back seat in the relationship and mentally check myself out, with my 'masking' on autopilot and would just be mostly agreeable. i mean—it kept people around me and there's a whole lot of social benefits to having people 'like' you(i also learnt that people like when they can just talk at you instead of to you.) i knew i wouldn’t be able to grow or be happy with the absence of my mental stimulation. id also never get to truly express myself and my authenticity if this part of me wasn't 'on'.

the trouble is that no one i was surrounded with when i was growing up had ever shown interest in that besides my dad, who had a really bad relationship with me. that probably explains my value of intellect as a core tenet, (and also why i make smart people my idols and am veryvery nervous around people who possess it greatly…) with my body hardcore pumping all my lifeforce into the cerebral side of myself and intellectualising the fuck out of my emotions, i had never really paid much attention into developing the emotional recognition that u NEED to function in the world. a lot of what i did to fit in wasn't out of care or innate feelings that i'd genuinely cultivated, but rather just the observation and application of patterns so that i could excel further in the social world and reap the benefits, keep peace, and avoid arguments that would shift my social standing too much or make me have to talk to people (DREAD)

when i was picking up on social nuance, what i observed was that people love to talk about how they feel. to strip away the useful insights, commentary, technical aspirations and other such subjects from conversation, then what exactly is left? i found that the majority of people simply talk about nothing, and that is enough for most. conversation is not about what is said or what is intellectually gained but about how it makes one feel - a reflection upon one's personal childhood clans or tribes; all they must feel is that they are accepted - and once they feel this way, it matters not what they discuss. the easiest way to achieve this would be to avoid the risk of discord or any sort of disagreement. the trick is to avoid the taboos. observe what others are doing, and follow along. to make people accept you, all you need to do is make them feel good. avoid matters of substance as they generate bad feelings. they wish not for knowledge or information but merely how well you can appease. pavlov's dog is before you, and though you can't appeal to her intellect, you can still ring her bell.

and before you get all personally offended, i'm talking about the social expectations of the world at large, whos rules are written for the lowest common denominator (or the majority, which for our species may be the same thing). i know that a large majority do enjoy the same things as i, but even those who do have ambition, and who do enjoy matters of intellectual substance, still know intuitively that the hive-mind does not partake in these things outside of the workplace.

this is not to say those people are dense or stupid, i dont mean to generalise that harshly—its just what people value in others is markedly different to what i personally seek. for most people, it doesn’t require any mental stimulation and is inherently much more emotionally founded. personally, intellect is a concept that i’ve always placed deep importance on, maybe because it was a family value that ive inherited. i cannot fathom the idea of someone truly being interested in me without knowing me or understanding me intellectually —just as i cannot begin to find attraction in someone im unable to grasp in that aspect. that is another reason as to why i had felt incredibly alienated. i had never thought anyone was able to like me if they did not know me like that—and they did not know me like that. nobody had taken to understanding me in any capacity.

in fact, i believe without my mental capabilities and my inner workings, that there is genuinely no reason anyone should value me. i feel that some of my best qualities stem directly from what i can provide with that part of my brain. in full honesty, i often find myself secretly astounded that those who do not possess any of the values or qualities i possess or admire, are still earning praise and admiration. nevertheless, i find that the human psychology is much more pavlovian than anyone cares to admit. this is primarily why i'd continued to find myself a leper, i never really shared the same values or objectives that most did socially. (i mean, it was much much worse and soul-sucking before i found out i was schizoid. like serving your time but not knowing why. the diagnosis helps this, a bit, but i sometimes wish that i could want what people usually desire. i just... can't.)

a logical mindset may fare well for excelling in certain things but for me there has existed very little social development due to my inherent disconnect, and the widely understood fact is that humans are social creatures and NEED relationships for their wellbeing. i think that i had convinced myself that i do not want them to cope with the fact that i will never get them in a way that is fulfilling. i still find myself okay without much relationships and social interaction, but it is much more damning to know that it is all a huge cope. i don’t know if i expected to be ‘emotionless’ forever but i feel that toll is being paid now.

no matter what i do to ignore it, recently i have become hyper aware of the crippling realisation that i do not think i will ever be truly fulfilled in the way my mind demands it. im often overcome with a sense of disconnection and emptiness, something i’d coin through the term ‘intellectual loneliness.’ it stems from the sense that there is nothing 'real' to me. like, tangible inside of my bubble. people or lifestyle or experience, it all appears like it is so out of reach, particularly because it does not function or appease me to the way that my brain works.

nothing in this society or this lifetime will ever cater to my cognitive functioning. i can't expect it to. i can't expect anyone to conform to me. at least i'm only selfish in that way. society is made up of a bunch of arbitrary rulesets, expectations and structures that completely work against my very existence, so i simply opt out of the game.

when i was a kid, the feeling of loneliness would never even occur to me. i honestly never thought i fit the criteria. i always had friends, because i was so so good at playing the social game. i was doing everything right and spamming the behaviors that was supposed to make me happy so how could i be lonely? the emptiness i felt surely must’ve stemmed from something else. though as i'm older now, the conclusion that i kept stumbling upon was yes—to be me is to just feel... alone. that is it. that is the nature of my being, my ontology, the thread holding my mind and body together. a person eternally isolated, incapable of reaching true potential because of stakes pulling me from both sides, especially incapable of reaching a satisfactory balance without either hurting myself or someone else. that is all there is, and im not sure that it will ever change as it is just apart of who i am.

my hyperawareness of my inherent disconnect to the world at large is incredibly fucking damning and the source of like 90% of my depression. i can try to limit the damage, i can learn to lie and love and feel like a normal person but it will all just be a huge cope and a shitty mitigation instead of getting rid of the 'problem'. it will always be there because it has always been there. it is, in fact, my ENTIRE life; there has never been a day literally ever, to no exaggeration, in my entire memory that i have stopped experiencing this awareness or being hyperconscious about this. every relationship and friendship i've had fucked over by it in some way.

even when i find a connection that i enjoy and love and appreciate, i also end up feeling like i have lost a massive apart of myself when i try make it work—either by appealing to them, or because of the weight of the arbitrary social binding that is supposed to keep us defined and in place. i often do wish for the concept of a close relationship with someone else, but i know my abstract needs are too unrealistic to impose on another. it is 100% my fault if i choose to seek out a relationship and get burnt by it as i want to give myself the chance but i know subconsciously it will fail.

i also am inextricably so deeply connected to the loneliness and seclusion i possess, that i become fearful of other people; and having to foster social burden for the rest of my entire life. yes, perhaps i may find a partner, or a close friend, or connect with a community to some degree—and i honestly don't doubt the possibility of this. i have come close many many times before. but i know on an intrinsic, almost foundational level of my personhood, despite whatever circumstances, there will always be the perpetual sting of loneliness in who i am, and that will never go away.