intellectual loneliness p2
no matter what i do to ignore it, recently i have become hyper aware of the crippling realisation that i do not think i will ever be truly fulfilled in the way my mind demands it. im often overcome with a sense of disconnection and emptiness, something i’d coin through the term ‘intellectual loneliness.’ it stems from the sense that there is nothing 'real' to me. like, tangible inside of my bubble. people or lifestyle or experience, it all appears like it is so out of reach, particularly because it does not function or appease me to the way that my brain works.
nothing in this society or this lifetime will ever cater to my cognitive functioning. i can't expect it to. i can't expect anyone to conform to me. at least i'm only selfish in that way. society is made up of a bunch of arbitrary rulesets, expectations and structures that completely work against my very existence, so i simply opt out of the game.
when i was a kid, the feeling of loneliness would never even occur to me. i honestly never thought i fit the criteria. i always had friends, because i was so so good at playing the social game. i was doing everything right and spamming the behaviors that was supposed to make me happy so how could i be lonely? the emptiness i felt surely must’ve stemmed from something else. though as i'm older now, the conclusion that i kept stumbling upon was yes—to be me is to just feel... alone. that is it. that is the nature of my being, my ontology, the thread holding my mind and body together. a person eternally isolated, incapable of reaching true potential because of stakes pulling me from both sides, especially incapable of reaching a satisfactory balance without either hurting myself or someone else. that is all there is, and im not sure that it will ever change as it is just apart of who i am.
my hyperawareness of my inherent disconnect to the world at large is incredibly fucking damning and the source of like 90% of my depression. i can try to limit the damage, i can learn to lie and love and feel like a normal person but it will all just be a huge cope and a shitty mitigation instead of getting rid of the 'problem'. it will always be there because it has always been there. it is, in fact, my ENTIRE life; there has never been a day literally ever, to no exaggeration, in my entire memory that i have stopped experiencing this awareness or being hyperconscious about this. every relationship and friendship i've had fucked over by it in some way.
even when i find a connection that i enjoy and love and appreciate, i also end up feeling like i have lost a massive apart of myself when i try make it work—either by appealing to them, or because of the weight of the arbitrary social binding that is supposed to keep us defined and in place. i often do wish for the concept of a close relationship with someone else, but i know my abstract needs are too unrealistic to impose on another. it is 100% my fault if i choose to seek out a relationship and get burnt by it as i want to give myself the chance but i know subconsciously it will fail.
i also am inextricably so deeply connected to the loneliness and seclusion i possess, that i become fearful of other people; and having to foster social burden for the rest of my entire life. yes, perhaps i may find a partner, or a close friend, or connect with a community to some degree—and i honestly don't doubt the possibility of this. i have come close many many times before. but i know on an intrinsic, almost foundational level of my personhood, despite whatever circumstances, there will always be the perpetual sting of loneliness in who i am, and that will never go away.