im not like other girls!!
anyone else not like other girls but not in the quirky 'i want male attention' way, but in the 'grew up a weird tomboy with no friends, uncomfortable with her own feminity, socially confused and doesnt know how to create lasting conntections and always feels like an outsider, forced into the role of a woman' type of way?? its like i got the look down but what's next? how do i act the character??
i practically have created a masculine personailty (that's one way to put it which might not be too spot on) - because i grew up on the internet. i spent my time online because i was a social outcast and couldn't get along with others irl because i never fit in anywhere. so i made people come to me with the whole mysterious shtick but it was and still is just a facade because i don't really know my place.
funnily enough the only people i got along with was that specific breed of retarded misogynistic chronically online guys. which did absolute wonders for my mental state and political stance growing up. i've always been somewhat male socialised and even though i've been in male spaces most of my life i've still faced the same ostracization that women face by the same people i found my company in; virtually completely displacing me.
anyway. i don't feel feminine at all. i feel like i missed out on that 'girlhood' that i might've liked to experience, and i think if i wasn't fundamentally screwed up somewhere then i might've turned out different. i've never had close girl friends, never had a birthday party, etc. at the time i didn't know if it was because i'm autistic or just a lesbian and apparently now it looks a lot like both but neither is the reason :')