i should be happy for you
i like it when people i admire are happy but in a way i don't. i'm not sure if that makes me a bad person. i like it because they're someone i admire - duh - and seeing them succeed and get the things that i so desperately want for them is something that makes me smile. at the same time, i don't like it because sometimes i enjoy having the knowledge that we're both in the same position, albeit suffering together; having at least something connecting us. when i don't find any sort of connecting link in someone anymore because they've surpassed me, it's just kind of demoralizing.
its only when we were once previously in the same position. i have the crab bucket mentality internally but i'll never do anything toxic to let them know it at least.
majorly it's because i'm jealous, and i know that too. though i don't really like to admit it.
i guess that's a bad way of thinking i should probably correct...