emotions
i've been feeling off. like. the no feeling type of weird, where things are objectively wrong but they should be right but things don’t reeaaally feel wrong but they ARE wrong and i -know- they’re wrong but i cannot grasp that feeling for myself. i should be feeling a lot of things about nothing but i feel nothing about a lot of things. that doesn't even make sense. whatever
i think i phrased my emotional problems in a good way last night. to me, there are no good things, nor bad, nor positive nor negative. to me, things are just things to be ordered, to be structured, to be organised and directed and directed. there are the efficient things - the things you should do, that people tell you to do because they give a good outcome - and there are the inefficient things - the ones you stray far away from and cut off at any given moment because you know that they do not give you the long term beneficial outcomes that you so desire.
maybe you could call it sociopathic, because you’re not being self referential and are instead forming the basis of your opinions on objective facts from the external and ones that are merely framed by society.
i do not think i’m sociopathic, anyway. schizoid - yes. i do not think that i am truly emotionless though, there's stuff in there. however, the way i function is majorly without emotion, and since i don't feel it in a way that humans should, i do not consider it to be apart of my framework. it just kind of passes through my head. will this give me benefit? yes? okay, let’s do it. will i gain nothing from this? will this be futile in the long term? yes? drop it. and that’s how it is, yet i hope it’s not how it continues to be. i am actively making changes for it.
my partner said something interesting about that last night. he said that such a disconnect from the body is probably caused due to an extreme build up of trauma that’s never really been able to get expunged from the body, so it just kind of sits in the mind and builds and builds, continually. i need to get that connection again. i don’t know how. sometimes i think i’m past the point of no return. id like to think that there’s something deep inside my mind that i’m blocking, something 'authentically me,' but there’s a shred of doubt creeping in that maybe this is simply it. i am just this slate, or a robotic structure, a binary code, of nothingness. i am doomed to a purely systematic existence and am condemned to sort order into function. i am holding out for the idea that that's not really true. but sometimes i can't help but think i'm right. i hope meditation or whatever other self help bullshit can kind of guide me toward that but i honestly dont think it will.