a therapist told me that often times, commitment issues are caused by feeling 'stuck' for a prolonged period of time in your life. so any time there arises a situation with a sense of permanency, or a long-term situation, the brain automatically attributes it to the feeling of being unsafe, restrictive and dangerous.

in order to not feel bound by things, yet still reap their rewards, i've noticed that i try establish a sense of control in minor ways, such as in social situations and relationships. i think it's to try and let me handle things at arms length without ever needing to get 'stuck' in it all. having my cake and eating it too sort of thing. but i find that those things, those displays of power, are essentially meaningless because of how insignificant they are holistically. they don't affect me, truly. it's all surface level. it doesn't affect the bigger picture of my life.

i wonder what my 'stuck' situation was. i guess it was growing up at home. i really wish for true autonomy but i know that i'm still bound by things outside of my control, and the thought of that remaining my whole life is deeply frightening. i just feel like i'm constantly waiting for something to change, because i'm not so sure what i can accomplish on my own; nevertheless how to.